The Lonely Cow

You remember Ted Bundy? You remember Citizen X? The Unabomber? They are like Mickey Mouse compared to The Lonely Cow. Why? I tell you why. They are all human. And smaller.

[2007-11-04]

I was recently in northern Europe, and had an opportunity to sit down for coffee with the reknowned Dr von Schrynck, criminal analyst and psychological profiler for Interpol, not to mention award-winning psychiatrist (for his groundbreaking research in Solipsistic Atavistopian Syndrome). Such opportunities cannot be passed up, and he spoke to me about The Lonely Cow.

"Aaah!" exclaimed Herr Doctor, "I haff heard off this famous cow. I vass dreaming in my sleep about this cow! This cow hass gone underground, no? Not much talk off this cow recently."

"Indeed, Herr Doctor," I said, "Not much talk."

"While the cow is out and about, she iss safer. She iss receiving social contact. She iss less likely to feel alienated and perhaps aggressiff," the doctor explained.

"Aggressive?" I asked.

"Ya. Think about this cow. The Lonely Cow. Why lonely? Huh?"

I waited for the answer. And then it came. The answer, the whole answer, and almost nothing but the answer. God help us all.

"You remember Ted Bundy? You remember Citizen X? The Unabomber? They are like Mickey Mouse compared to The Lonely Cow. Why? I tell you why. They are all human. And smaller.

"For millenia the cow's ancestors haff been oppressed by humans. No, not oppressed, they haff been slaughtered. You think that unfortunate situation with the Jews vass bad. Add them to the Armenians, the Hutus, the Tutsis, southern Darfur, the Aztecs, the Inca, the Charleton Islanders -- all of them together are less than the number off cows put to death in the last century.

"Don't, for a minute, think that The Lonely Cow is not aware off this. Don't, for a second, imagine that she iss OK with this.

"The only humans who haff seen a scenario like this one looming iss the Hindus. Only they may be spared.

"Revolutions throughout history haff involved mobilising a mass of people. They often require a visionary to see an alternative, like Marx. They need many agitators to turn a docile population into a groundswell of supporters and insurgents. And, most importantly, they need a leader, or perhaps leaders, to galvanise the population into a focussed revolution.

"The Lonely Cow cannot do this. Hiss population cannot be galvanised. It cannot even be agitated. The cows are doomed to their fate by millenia of genetic selection and intentional breeding on the part off their oppressors.

"But this only makes The Lonely Cow more terrifying to me. She hass no hope of a future, and no path to redemption. She hass all the environmental requirements of an extremely dangerous terrorist.

"Now it iss time to talk off her own life.

"The thing that separates human beings from other primates, indeed all other animals, iss not the ability to use tools, nor to talk. We do not haff the biggest brains. In fact even Neanderthals, who left Africa before us to populate southern Europe, and later be exterminated at the hands of our ancestors, even they had bigger brains than us. We have a small genetic change that allows a part off our brain in the frontal lobe to conceive the abstract.

"That iss all. Humans can think off things like liberty and equality, and brotherhood. If you remember, those three things were the rallying cry off the French Revolution.

"Now The Lonely Cow, it iss obvious to me, hass this small genetic mutation.

"Western scientists should haff seen it coming. It wass most likely to happen to an animal living in close proximity to civilization, where ambient radiation iss higher. It may turn out to be a tragedy that it did not first happen to an animal that humans treat better, like a dog or a horse. But by sheer numbers, cows and chickens were obvious statistical favourites.

"It iss too late to cry over the spilled milk. We haff made our bed. Now we must lie down in it.

"Let us now understand our enemy. Her mother and her father were, off course, cows. She never knew her father, and would have been seperated from her mother while still very young. Some of the calves who were born the same season as her may haff been turned into veal. She grew up surrounded by cows with whom she could not communicate, and could neffer effer understand her.

"If that alone doesn't constitute a troubled childhood, consider the fact that the only ones The Lonely Cow can communicate with on the same leffel iss the species that hass slaughtered her own kind for thousands off years.

"I will not bore you with the mind-boggling psychological ramifications off that. I will just summarise by saying that very few off those ramifications bode well for us humans.

"She iss a loner like all the other killers I mentioned earlier. And she iss cleffer. Very cleffer. To be able to walk free like that. Most cows can't just walk around, you know.

"What's more, she may haff killed already. Farmers dont' just giff their cows away, you know. Or she may haff escaped. I hope so. Otherwise she would already haff acquired a taste for killing. Off course, she hass no qualms killing humans. Humans haff no qualms killing cows. Or subjecting them to horrific conditions in order to milk them. Feeding them unnatural leffels off hormones. Before the fuss about Mad Cow Disease, if a farm cow were to die, the other cows would be fed 'reduction'. That means the dead cow would be boiled in a big pot. And the broth would be used to suppliment the diets off the other cows. How would you feel iff one day your sister died, and someone chopped her up, boiled her for a day or two, and then fed her to you? I imagine you would not be happy about that. I imagine this would only provide you further incentive to kill that person. Now this practice hass been illegal in the United Kingdom for a while now, but only until recently farmers were exploiting a loophole in the law that allowed them to feed reduction of cow to chickens, and reduction of those same chickens back to the cows. It is quite possible that The Lonely Cow was subjected to this behaviour.

"With this degree off hatred, and this immense sense off alientation, combined with The Lonely Cow's obvious intelligence, I conclude that she is considering her options in terms off weapons of mass destruction.

"She hass 3 choices: Chemical, nuclear and biological. Chemical weapons harm cows as much as they harm humans. But only if used near the cows. Perhaps the risk deters her.

"Biological weapons are ideal. An artificially-created human disease would wipe out all humans -- in laboratory tests with rats, diseases for which no likeness exists in nature kill 100% of exposed rats. Every single rat. Not like smallpox, or avian flu, where a few subjects may exhibit a resistance. 100% means the death off every human on the face off the planet. The only thing that could possibly safe us is the Hindus. I hope she remembers the Hindus. The Hindus are the only people she can respect. Although if she is near the weapon, and she may want to be, a biological weapon offers her the pleasure off watching her oppressors meet their end.

If we are lucky, and if she is suicidal, she will probably choose nuclear. It offers instant and painless death fo herself, and vast destruction to humans. It is hard to hide a powerful nuclear device on a human being. But a cow is bigger. With a cow you can conceal a more powerful bomb. If you are cleffer about it, you could conceal a hydrogen bomb. If you are only going to detonate one device, make sure it is a big one. If detononated at ground leffel, you get the benefit off masses of radioactive material poluting the air, and being carried by the wind. A terrific opportunity to maximize the resulting harm.

"This iss why I implore the international policing community, and populations off the world, everyone. We must find this cow. We must watch this cow closely. Very closely, but carefully. Inobtrusively. If she becomes the slightest bit suspicious that we suspect anything, it may trigger her.

"If it is ever necessary to confront her, pretend to be Hindu.

"She offers us a unique opportunity to understand the bovine condition. And to bring a more mutually-beneficial harmony between species.

"If we can learn from her, it could well spark an interest in better cohabiting this planet with all animals.

"And perhaps, even, bring about the creation of more non-human intelligences. Diversity is strength. It is a lesson from nature, and something we must embrace. We live in cataclysmically dangerous and fragile times. We can use all the strength we can get.

"Now please, son, spread the word."

"Herr Doctor," I said, "I will."

☙